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Just keep swimming and you won’t sink




E.J. Proctor Story

Robert Sapolsky, a Stanford University professor and researcher of neuroendocrinology, describes a sort of internal hierarchy system we humans use to rank ourselves, and it has been on my mind a lot since I listened to him explain this concept. 

An example he used to illustrate his point was something like this: Someone works for a massive company and they are on the bottom of the totem pole, working long hours in the mail room. But, on the weekends, that person is the captain of the company’s softball team. Then, perhaps, the day-to-day work is manageable because that person’s true internal value comes from her rank as the softball captain, and her day job is simply a way to pay her bills. 



Maybe someone else works really long nights in a factory, but he’s also a deacon at his church. His job may be more tolerable because he is valued outside of it. The more I thought about these anecdotes, the more I realized why some of us may absolutely love athletics and why others may absolutely despise them. It also helped me better understand why it is so hard to quit playing sports if we did love them.  

If it is true that we identify most strongly with the areas in life in which we “rank” the highest, then, of course, it is going to be really hard when it comes time to change that identity. For me, I found this to be profoundly true when my soccer career ended. I was really lost when it came to finding another career because nothing felt the same as it did to be on that field — even if we lost the game. 

I put so much of my own value and worth into being an athlete and it was really challenging to find other ways to see myself. Plus, playing athletics at a higher level requires one to be “all in” and I still tend to be this way, which is both a blessing and a curse. It is nice to easily go all in when training for a race, but it is not fun when I’m still working through who I am, and I tend to think I can only be someone or something if I live and breathe that lifestyle. 

It makes sense that using activities or interests outside of our 8-5 (or 7 a.m. to 7 p.m.) work can be really helpful when it comes to improving overall happiness, but I think it is also clear that by valuing ourselves for the things in which we are high ranking can also cause us to lose our sense of self when those things go away.

Even if you did not play sports or just plain hated them, I bet the same idea can somehow apply. Maybe you were not into team sports because you had a bad experience on the playground in elementary school. If we were ever picked last to be on a team at recess, that would make any of us feel pretty “low in the hierarchy” of playground politics and we would not want to put ourselves in that position again. 

So maybe sports were not your thing, but maybe you were a really amazing teacher, or maybe you were known to be the kindest cashier at a grocery store. When that teacher retires, I bet they probably feel as if they lost a bit of themselves, too. To go from directly impacting multiple lives, each and every day, to no longer having papers to grade or lesson plans to write, a part of who you were is gone. If you are the cashier that every customer prefers to see because you remember their name and their favorite grocery store items, then you are pretty high up there in the hierarchy. Personally, if my favorite cashiers aren’t working, then I go to self-checkout. When these people retire, they lose that satisfaction of knowing that a customer chose to go to their line, just because they wanted to talk to them; they also lose a small part of themselves. 

I know this all sounds a bit depressing, but because I have been struggling with this idea since leaving soccer (and I’m just now beginning to understand why it was such a challenge), I have also come to learn there is help. For me, it has helped to better understand why I feel I’m continuously searching for some type of “identity” — it is probably because I base too much of my value in the things I do day-to-day. Instead of basing my worth on that, I try to think more on how I can use what I learned through my years of athletics in a way that supports the community I love. 

I’ve also found it to be very humbling to make myself try things at which I’m not really good. I know that has been something every teacher or mentor has said for years and years, “You can’t be good at everything! Try anyway!” 

But doing it as an adult adds another layer. For me, these couple of things have been swimming and horseback riding. Every day I am in the pool, I know without a doubt I will be outswum by someone who is 50 years older than I am; it literally never fails! Still, like Dory in “Finding Nemo,” I “just keep swimming.”  

I grew up riding horses and thought I was kind of good at it and even won a blue ribbon in a horse show; however, this year while riding at Cavvietta Horse and Cattle Company, I have realized I am nowhere close to where I’d like to be. Going from North Carolina State Fair horse shows to riding with people who are legit cowboys (they can rope and sort just about anything), is really different. They are also incredibly respectful of their horses and preach horsemanship, all of which is new to me. Just about every time I ride, there is someone anywhere from ages 8 to 67 teaching me something I did not know. 

One thing that swimming and horseback have taught me is that this internal hierarchy is purely that — internal. When I am getting beat in the pool or coached on a horse, nobody else there thinks any more of any less of me than they did the previous day. I’ve touched on this idea in another article, but it is one I think we all need to be reminded of from time to time. If we are the retired athlete, teacher or the cashier, I hope we can all begin to notice that even as jobs change, the memories we made, the smiles we shared, and the ways we impacted each person we came across is a legacy that will continue, even when our careers may not. 

E.J. Proctor Story, a 2014 graduate of Fike High, was the starting goalkeeper for Duke’s 2015 NCAA runner-up year, 2016 Elite 8 finish and 2017 Final Four finish. Currently the Duke record holder for shutouts and goals against average, she went on to play one season professionally with the Utah Royals F.C. after graduating from Duke. Now back in Wilson, E.J. is assisting with coaching youth soccer players and is completing her Doctor of Physical Therapy degree from Duke.